A dream is a place where wish and fear meet,and when they are exactly the same.. we call the dream a nightmare.
(Again from Gregory David Roberts' Shantaram)

Some days back I wrote a blog post titled 'A Dream' and today I uploaded another post titled 'A Nightmare'. While 'A Dream' shows the brighter side of something where there is still hope , 'A Nightmare' is written from a perspective when a person loses all his hopes and lets his fears overcome them.

A Nightmare

It rained in Pilani today,
The rains remind me of you.

I should be recused from giving an opinion about your beauty,
My stand is so prejudiced that I'll always say nifty.

My statements are sometimes cryptic and subtle,
It's alright if you don't acknowledge them but atleast offer a rebuttal.

People ask me the reason for my impecuniousness,
The usurious cost of loving you made me peddle even my consciousness.

Experiencing unrequited love from the same person once more is not a big deal,
The wounds have festered, but I'm optimistic they'll heal.

I wonder if by thinking about you I've made a fool of myself,
But what will that love be if it doesn't make you lose yourself.

Exculpate me from the offence of doing something which I never wanted to,
Either my voice is low or you can't hear me hitherto.

I moved through phalanx of people to reach for you,
And you are still asking the question "Who's Who" ?

You gave me hope that you were there and I always thought my love was shallow,
Now I realise I was just following your echo and shadow.

I've always felt the absence of a certain someone in my life, a person whom I can talk to when I am low...someone who knows me inside out..someone who actually knows me to the core.... a person with whom I can share my thoughts (I am not asserting that I never had a girlfriend or I desperately need one). This person could have been anyone..a friend,my parents,a sibling (if I had one), a friend on a social networking site..anyone. The reason there's no such person for me is because of the way I am (and perhaps have always been). I am a person who likes to keep his thoughts to himself, I do not want to whine about my life in front of anyone...no matter how close you are to me (well, writing blog posts about my life certainly contradicts the last statement...but I think blog posts do not say it all & they can have a lot of interpretations, they are just the way you see them). I have found some good friends in Satwik, my Wingis, some people in the Mal-Wing, Rahul Jain, Ghike (to name a few), but maybe it's the relation that exists between these people and me (the level of intimacy which I have decided), which prohibits me from saying what I want to. On the other hand, at times, I feel like talking to a random person...a stranger and asking him to listen to me.

Now for the reason why I wanted a break : I understand that things are not going perfect for me, I wanted to stay away from all my acquaintances for some time and think of a way out. For those of you, who will argue that I could have done the same while staying in Pilani ...well, I tried it but could not find a solution, so wanted to try something new this time.

Without a title

These are some lines which I read at different places, I found them good and they are quite apt to the situation.

Ragon main daudne-phirne ke hum nahin kaayal,
Jab aankh se hi naa tapka, to phir lahu kyaa hai.
(From a Ghazal by Ghalib)

Naa tha kuch to khuda tha, kuch naa hota to khuda hota,
Duboyaa mujhko hone ne, naa hota main to kyaa hota.
(From a Ghazal by Ghalib)

Nothing pleases a man more than talking about how glorious his past was, how pathetic his present is and how catastrophic his future is going to be.
(Translated to English from Premchand's Godaan)

Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again,some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them and some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.
(From Gregory David Roberts' Shantaram)

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
(By Aldous Huxley)

Hatred

I thought I hated some people, but lately I've discovered that I was wrong and actually I hate myself because I consider those people to be worthy of my hatred.

A Dream

I remember that dream till date,
When I realised that my love for you is innate.

I told you whatever I have always wanted to say,
And your acknowledgement after a slight hesitation made my day.

Since then, I've seen the dream again and again, but in broad daylight and with open eyes,
Envisaging of a day when I'll actually live my dream, and I'm not telling lies.

I don't know if you are unaware or if you don't give a damn about my emotions,
But the fact that you are not with me always renders my mind in a commotion.

In your absence, thinking about you is my passion,
All I expect from you is just a little compassion.

I wait with baited breath to get one glimpse of your,
Alas, everytime we meet, the only word we say to each other is bonjour.

Inspite of the distances, we can always talk and I can give you a call,
But, will you be interested in listening to what I want to say or will you see me as a droll.

If you read it someday, you might consider it audacity,
But, perhaps this is the proof of my veracity.

At times, I felt that a dream is a manifestation of attraction and lust,
But time and again, I found that the pillars of my love are strong and robust,
And terming my feelings a physical attraction is certainly not just.

Phir Teri Yaad Aayi........

फिर तेरी याद आई....

फिर शाम हुई, और वही घटा छाई,

फिर एक उम्मीद जगी, मैंने तेरे लिए यह पलकें बिछाई,

फिर मुस्कुराया मैं, और तू खुशी लेकर मेरे ख्यालों मैं समाई,

फिर वही रौनक लौटी, मैंने एक सपनों की दुनिया बसाई,

फिर किसी ख्वाइश ने जन्म लिया, और रौशनी की एक किरण जगमगाई ,

फिर से बरसे बादल, और दुनिया बारिश में नहाई,

फिर नहीं रहा कोई डर, मुझे नही देनी पड़ी कोई सफाई,

फिर एक तसल्ली मिली, जब तू मेरे कानों में कुछ फूस-फुसाई,

पर हर बार की तरह, फिर से हुई वही कमबख्त जुदाई,

मौसम बदला,रंग बदले और ख्वाब टूटा,

फिर नींद खुली, और मेरे सामने हकीकत आई,

फिर वही ग़म, अंधेरे ने अपनी चादर फैलाई,

फिर तेरे नहीं होने को मैंने महसूस किया, मेरी आंखों ने अश्कों की नदी बहाई,

फिर सोचा की मैं क्या करूँ, कुछ नही कर पाने ने मेरी जिंदगी और उलझाई,

फिर मन को बहलाया मैंने, 'जो होगा अच्छा होगा' यह कहकर एक झूठी तसल्ली दिलाई,

फिर से उसी ख्वाब को जीने की इच्छा जगी, ' पर ख्वाब तो सिर्फ़ एक छलावा है ' मैंने दिल को यह बात समझाई,

फिर सब उम्मीदें टूटी, और मैंने आखिरकार यह सचाई अपनाई,

फिर तेरी याद आई....